When it’s all your fault…

So, how have I made my cosy little nest while I’m here in hell? I’m not really sure. All I know is that I’m trying desperately to survive and get myself back. Or maybe become a new me. Or become the me I should have been years ago. It all started because it was my fault. Everything. All of it.

I wasn’t grateful enough.

I “kept coming at” him asking questions or trying to understand why he treated me a certain way.

I wanted too much.

And more!

For someone who claims I tell him what he’s thinking, feeling and doing when he is absolutely NOT, he’s pretty good at doing that to me. And one day I thought…

What if I stopped focusing on him so much and tried to fix myself a bit? What if I did things that I wanted that were free? What if I listened to my heart and tried some new things?

I started taking free, online classes www.coursera.org

I started singing along when my kids sang karaoke.

I danced along with Michael Jackson.

I painted my nails. With very inexpensive-yet-vegan nail polish.

I listened to my favourite songs and musicians.

And I stopped thinking it was all my fault. I thought sometimes maybe he should be responsible for the choices he made. That was more painful to me than to AH because he got more upset when I did that. I’m still not good at that.

I apologized when it was my fault, but I did not grovel.

It’s not perfect yet…it’s not even good yet.

But it’s a start….

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