So, how have I made my cosy little nest while I’m here in hell? I’m not really sure. All I know is that I’m trying desperately to survive and get myself back. Or maybe become a new me. Or become the me I should have been years ago. It all started because it was my fault. Everything. All of it.
I wasn’t grateful enough.
I “kept coming at” him asking questions or trying to understand why he treated me a certain way.
I wanted too much.
For someone who claims I tell him what he’s thinking, feeling and doing when he is absolutely NOT, he’s pretty good at doing that to me. And one day I thought…
What if I stopped focusing on him so much and tried to fix myself a bit? What if I did things that I wanted that were free? What if I listened to my heart and tried some new things?
I started taking free, online classes www.coursera.org
I started singing along when my kids sang karaoke.
I danced along with Michael Jackson.
I painted my nails. With very inexpensive-yet-vegan nail polish.
I listened to my favourite songs and musicians.
And I stopped thinking it was all my fault. I thought sometimes maybe he should be responsible for the choices he made. That was more painful to me than to AH because he got more upset when I did that. I’m still not good at that.
I apologized when it was my fault, but I did not grovel.
It’s not perfect yet…it’s not even good yet.
But it’s a start….