The last few weeks have been a blast for me as I’ve enjoyed talking to my Aniki about family of origin issues. FOO is the bane of every dysfunctional person trying to claw her way out of a screwed-up family. Ummm…me. Because we’re not BFFs (yet) and you don’t have a clue about where I came from, here’s the pistachio shell version:
Born in a land beyond the widest ocean to one of my father’s mistresses, I was raised believing I was the biological child of my step-mother. I like to call her Anti-Mom because she’s just as freaky as Satan and the Anti-Christ she forced me to read about when I was a little girl. She’s also the antithesis of what a mom should be. But that’s for later days, yay!
My stepmother is, to put it mildly, hell on wheels. She has paranoid schizophrenia with religious delusions. She also has some sort of personality disorder, at any rate she’s the epitome of narcissistic.
My father was alive for most of my Aniki’s life. Not so much for mine. Not long after my father died, Aniki moved out of the home. Ummm, was kicked out of the home. First because Anti-Mom didn’t like the expense of taking care of him. Then because God told her He wanted her to move in with her boyfriend and BF didn’t want an almost-grown teen around to defend Little Sis. I was left alone with Anti-Mom’s madness.
I was neglected.
Sometimes I didn’t have anything to eat.
I didn’t have anyone to help with homework.
I didn’t have anyone to help me get ready for school.
I didn’t have anyone to comfort me when I was ill, scared or hurt.
I didn’t have anyone to protect me from those who would abuse me. molest me. harm me.
Later on, her madness went to other levels. Her BF was trying to kill her. His daughters were spiking her tea and sugar with drugs. I sat on the floor against the sofa next to Anti-Mom all night as she slept on the sofa. I was afraid to go to school. I didn’t know any better and believed she was in danger. I was a kid, right? Kids believe in magic, in fairies, in other worlds. Kids also believe some crazy poop our parents spew out. If you’re a parent, remember that, please.
Aniki didn’t know what went on after he left home. He thought my life was rainbows and sparkles like his was. Because Dad had been around. But it wasn’t. And for years, Anti-Mom’s lies kept Aniki and I from really talking. He thought I was a spoiled princess. I thought he was a zombie druggie (think the ghouls in Michael Jackson’s Thriller except holding bongs) and he was going to steal my babysitting money for drugs.
Recently I contacted him. And tried to tell him what my life had been like.
At first he thought I was over-reacting. *Sigh*
Then he thought I was pissed at “Mom”. *Sigh*
Then one day he actually listened to me. And he listened some more.
And he apologized.
He said if he had known he would have protected me.
He would have gotten me out of that abusive home and brought me to stay with him.
That he should have done more after Dad died.
I don’t know if that is true but it is nice to hear.
I would like to have an Aniki who is there for me.
I remember when he had appendicitis and I teased him by playing my Adam and the Ants cassettes.
I remember when I had the flu and he made me cheese ramen.
I would like to think, even though we are so much older now, that we can be a type of family.
But I daren’t hope too much.
But dreams can maybe come true, right?
We still have a lot of FOO issues to work out. I don’t know how that will happen or how we will get along discussing them. He still thinks “Mom” is good, just kind of dopey. I think “Mom” is a demon.
There’s a huge distance between those two things…