There’s a game AH expects me to play. Except….I’m not very good at it. You see, AH believes a type of magic. This magic is: I am the ruler of the whooooole kingdom. In this game, which never ends and never has time outs, AH gets to act any way he wants, say anything he wants to say, behave rudely or childish and basically act like the adult child he is. I think you know the next part. I am not allowed any of those behaviours. But it goes one step further. I am not allowed to be sad. I am not allowed to be upset when I am hurt. I am not allowed to get angry when I have been treated like a throw rug.
So, if AH acts a specific way and I react in a normal way to his actions. I lose the game. I have made AH uncomfortable or angry and I have been very, very bad. There is punishment for this. Any type of calm we had fostered to that point evaporates. Any kind of truce is dissolved. The DMZ disappears. I am unsafe. I am scared. But that is inconsequential. All that matters is that AH has been offended and That. Will. Not. Do.
I must try harder next time. I will hold my breath as long as it takes. I will not cry. I will not be human. I will hold it in…just a little longer.